For Big Butted Women Who Like Movies

When my partner and I moved in together, I cut a helluva deal. We’d had so much fun "dating" and I was worried that we’d turn into these old "married" folks who never went out. (Face it, it happens.) So I got her to agree to a Saturday night date every week for the length of our relationship. At the time, she’d never had a relationship that lasted over three years. And though I’m pretty sure she wanted ours to last longer (we were buying land for Goddess sakes!), I don’t think she had a true concept of her commitment. At least that’s what she tells me now.

So, through flood and famine, hell and high water, we have seen a movie or spent time together having fun on Saturday night, every week, for over ten years now. In that time I’ve learned some valuable things about long term lesbian relationships and about the local movie theaters.

Girlfriend and I have different likes and dislikes in movies. I like action-adventures—no marshal arts. She likes period romances. I like to go on the first or second week of the movie so we can sit in the large theater. She wants to wait until the crowd dies down and when we do, we end up in those small theaters that are about the size of the average living room, with a screen of about 60 inches. I hate it when anyone talks in the movies. Girlfriend likes to talk during movies, and she will often turn to me and ask a question about the plot that requires a complex answer. I don’t care where we sit, but prefer the sides, because if someone sits in front of me, the angle allows me to see anyway. Girlfriend needs to sit on the aisle. She doesn’t want to be "blocked in," although she rarely needs to get out or her seat.

So one Saturday night we found our seats and girlfriend went to get drinks. When I sat down, the arms of the seat scraped my butt—both sides! Now, I will admit that I’m larger than average, but this had never happened to me at Kerasotes Theater before. The worst thing about it was that I had been on a diet. So, while not thin, I certainly wasn’t the biggest I’ve been either. Then I realized that I wasn’t in the area were we usually sat. I decided to move across the aisle. Guess what? The seats over there were larger. White Oaks Theater charges the same price for seats that are different sizes. Maybe the smaller seats are some kind of plot to keep you from going back for refills of popcorn too many times. Who knows? I’m also wondering if this ever occurred to Southwest Airlines. They could make really small seats for small people and that would leave room for larger seats for bigger people and they wouldn’t have to charge anybody for extra seats.

Anyway, some other things you might not know about the theaters in Springfield are: most of them have the "movie phone" listed in the phone book, but White Oaks number (217 787-2661) will get you a live person who will then give you the "real" number to other theaters, and the Esquire Theater is the only place that doesn’t have those small-screened theaters and the prices are a lot lower there, but the oldest auditorium at the Esquire (on the far North end) has a serious mildew problem, so take your Alegra.

Martha Miller is a Springfield author. Her books Skin to Skin and Nine Nights on the Windy Tree: a Mystery are available through New Victoria Publishers, Barnes and Nobel, Sundance Bookstore, and Amazon.com.